Today I had the opportunity to attend a welcome home. It was at 9:00 AM in Newton, which is about 20 minutes from where we live. Barrett and I decided that it would probably be best if I went and he stayed home with the kids. Seriously, we are a CIRCUS when it comes to church. Due to NOT having to haul 5 kids out there, I actually got there early. I went in a sat down and even got to listen to the prelude music. It was such a peaceful feeling sitting there. It was so fun to see Celeste. This is going to date me, but I use to babysit her as a BABY!! She is now all grown and just served a full time mission for our church.
I think it was a perfect combination of me being able to actually sit and listen to a speaker in church and the amazing spirit that Celeste has. I felt so filled from listening to her talk. I have been struggling with a few things over the past weeks (really for 13 years, but more so over the last few weeks). I am thankful I went and got to hear what I needed to hear. It was such a good talk but a few things really stuck out to me so here they are.
1. She talked about meeting with her mission president. He asked her what she wanted to accomplish for the month and she said she wanted to have charity for everyone. He turned to her and told her to first work on having charity for herself. This is JUST what I needed to hear. I feel (probably because I am aware of it) that people have been over whelming me with the need to givje charity to others. I know that sounds weird because charity is a great thing and there probably can't be enough of it in the world, but I hardly feel like I can't keep my head above water these days. We met with a professional as an extended family a few weeks back. She really encouraged us (in my opinion WAY to forcefully) to rally around those in need and show them charity. I get that, again, charity is a good thing. However, I have defiantly felt like when MY (or our) time when we needed a rally and some serious charity, none was give. I have battled since then trying to put hurt feelings away and erase a bunch of crap from the past to be able to do what is being asked of me. Today, I felt totally different. For me, for right now, the rally needs to be around me, from me. It was clear today that even if other people can't or won't give my family charity, it doesn't matter. I can give myself the charity that is needed. I thought this was such a profound statement that I need for me right now. I need to work on charity to myself.
2, She talked about how just simply giving love to people can change them. This is where the water works turned on for me. Celeste has such a special family. I grew up in a lot of chaos. I didn't know it was chaos at the time (most of it) but it was. I started watching the Jenkin's kids when Celeste was little and watched them until I was married. Their family showed me love and it changed me. They listened to my problems, helped me make big decisions,let me talk about boys, made me feel special when I was lacking it at home. I am not sure I would be where I am today if their family hadn't stepped in and taken such good care of me. They taught me what a family should look like and what to strive for. My 34 year old self thanks them and I am sure my family does as well. I also feel ( and I KNOW people see it differently and that is ok) that if you truly love someone, sometimes you show that love by stepping away. I was recently told by someone very close to me that I was an abuser (seriously, NOT the first time someone has told me that. I am starting to take it personal!!!) I genuinely love this person and I don't want to be an abuser to them. Today, I felt like showing them that I love them is really stepping away from them. For me, NOT engaging in a toxic relationship IS showing love. I think loving yourself and them enough to know it is a bad situation.
3. She talked about an investigator that decided to stop coming after awhile. She was upset one day and asked what SHE had done wrong to make this person not come. A member of her ward said hadn't done anything and the LORD would take care of it. He suffered for us and knows what we need. Again, it was JUST what I needed to hear. With the chaos of my home life, I thought when I got married that I had minimal baggage. Maybe like a small carry on and a personal item such as a purse or laptop bag :) The longer we were married, I realized it was more like a giant suitcase with a few carry on's and way more personal items then you are allowed. I have been adding to this baggage over time by being in the mind set of "what have I done to make so and so not do this" or "why does so and so get help and I am not worthy?" It kind of hit me today. You should be accountable for your part but at some point, you have GOT to stop adding to the baggage and let the Lord carry it. He knows us, he suffered for us and doesn't want us to suffer MORE for things he can take off our shoulders. I can't go around wondering what I did wrong 10 years ago to make things the way they are. I can't keep going over it in my head and hoping for a different out come. I am letting the baggage go today and I won't be picking it back up.
Thanks Celeste for sharing your amazing testimony. I am hoping to work on those things in my life to help build mind.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Lucky number 13
I am BACK in the blogging world. I am sure not for long, but it feels good to clear my head with writing.
In THREE days, I will have been married for THIRTEEN YEARS!! I now feel pretty darn old and by old, I mean lucky! I have a new computer that I haven't transferred any pictures over to so pretend below is a picture of Barrett and I when we dated. Ah, look how cute we are.
As I was feeding the baby today, I got to sit and think about what the last 13 years has been like for us. Today I feel thankful. We have come such a long way and I feel like our hard work is FINALLY paying off! I am not saying that we don't have problems, because we do, but life has gotten more crazy (5.5 kids will do that) but it has gotten easier in a lot of ways.
Barrett's job: After 10 YEARS (yes, 10) of our marriage, Barrett FINALLY has an awesome job!! During medical school we actually PAID for him to work! Those times were hard. I have no idea how we made that work, but it taught us a lot and even though they were happy times, they were very hard. I learned a lot about what you can make due on. Learned to coupon like a crazy lady, found a deep love of yard sales AND found out when to call uncle! He is such an amazing guy and LOVES what he does. He is happy to get up and go to work every day. It is a blessing that he has been given this talent and uses it. We were recently talking with someone about what strengths people do and don't have. Barrett is a hard worker and he is driven and I am glad it is his strength.
Our house: We were super blessed to buy a home in KC while Barrett was a resident but I knew we wouldn't be there for long, so it didn't really feel like home to me. When we moved here to Logan, I knew we would be here for the long haul and feel blessed to have found a home here to buy. It feels like home to us and I am happy that we own this home. I hate renting and the thought of moving this circus any time soon makes me a little sick! It isn't our last move or home, but we are getting close! We recently put in a yard and flower beds and every time I pull into the garage it makes me happy we have a yard I can work in.
Our family: Holy struggle of the century. There is not enough blogging time in the world to write down the saga of getting our family here. It has consumed us and our marriage for almost the whole 13 years we have been married. It has been my biggest trail, my darkest days and in the end, my biggest blessing. I know that our Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. It was 100% sure not on MY time frame, but it came. I have felt nothing but immensely blessed to be having this last little spirit in our home. What a perfectly sweet "ending" to the hardest most daunting chapter (or chapters!) of our life.
My job: Does my job get any better? Yes, yes. There is A LOT and I do mean A LOT of diapers, crying (mostly me), hard times, yelling (again, from me), frustration and craziness that come with my job. I could NOT be more thankful I get to be home with my kids. There was a time when I felt like all I did was run around and worry about how ends were going to meet. I worked LOTS of jobs to help us get by. They were not always jobs I loved or wanted to work but I did it. Today I feel blessed that I get to "just" be a mom. It is insanely crazy around here and if I had to throw work into the mix I am not sure my high strung personality could take it. Barrett makes that possible for us and again, it is a blessing!
We have come such a long way and the Lord has given us a lot to be thankful for. I am glad we are where we are at. It feels good and right to finally take a deep breath and exhale!
Here is to anther 13 (and more!) years!
In THREE days, I will have been married for THIRTEEN YEARS!! I now feel pretty darn old and by old, I mean lucky! I have a new computer that I haven't transferred any pictures over to so pretend below is a picture of Barrett and I when we dated. Ah, look how cute we are.
As I was feeding the baby today, I got to sit and think about what the last 13 years has been like for us. Today I feel thankful. We have come such a long way and I feel like our hard work is FINALLY paying off! I am not saying that we don't have problems, because we do, but life has gotten more crazy (5.5 kids will do that) but it has gotten easier in a lot of ways.
Barrett's job: After 10 YEARS (yes, 10) of our marriage, Barrett FINALLY has an awesome job!! During medical school we actually PAID for him to work! Those times were hard. I have no idea how we made that work, but it taught us a lot and even though they were happy times, they were very hard. I learned a lot about what you can make due on. Learned to coupon like a crazy lady, found a deep love of yard sales AND found out when to call uncle! He is such an amazing guy and LOVES what he does. He is happy to get up and go to work every day. It is a blessing that he has been given this talent and uses it. We were recently talking with someone about what strengths people do and don't have. Barrett is a hard worker and he is driven and I am glad it is his strength.
Our house: We were super blessed to buy a home in KC while Barrett was a resident but I knew we wouldn't be there for long, so it didn't really feel like home to me. When we moved here to Logan, I knew we would be here for the long haul and feel blessed to have found a home here to buy. It feels like home to us and I am happy that we own this home. I hate renting and the thought of moving this circus any time soon makes me a little sick! It isn't our last move or home, but we are getting close! We recently put in a yard and flower beds and every time I pull into the garage it makes me happy we have a yard I can work in.
Our family: Holy struggle of the century. There is not enough blogging time in the world to write down the saga of getting our family here. It has consumed us and our marriage for almost the whole 13 years we have been married. It has been my biggest trail, my darkest days and in the end, my biggest blessing. I know that our Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. It was 100% sure not on MY time frame, but it came. I have felt nothing but immensely blessed to be having this last little spirit in our home. What a perfectly sweet "ending" to the hardest most daunting chapter (or chapters!) of our life.
My job: Does my job get any better? Yes, yes. There is A LOT and I do mean A LOT of diapers, crying (mostly me), hard times, yelling (again, from me), frustration and craziness that come with my job. I could NOT be more thankful I get to be home with my kids. There was a time when I felt like all I did was run around and worry about how ends were going to meet. I worked LOTS of jobs to help us get by. They were not always jobs I loved or wanted to work but I did it. Today I feel blessed that I get to "just" be a mom. It is insanely crazy around here and if I had to throw work into the mix I am not sure my high strung personality could take it. Barrett makes that possible for us and again, it is a blessing!
We have come such a long way and the Lord has given us a lot to be thankful for. I am glad we are where we are at. It feels good and right to finally take a deep breath and exhale!
Here is to anther 13 (and more!) years!
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